Grace IS an ocean, and I'm sinking.

I have recently been examining the grace of God. First, I will tell you this: it is ENDLESS and it is AMAZING.

I was reading the story leading up to Jesus' death at the end of Matthew. During his trial when he is taken before Pilate, it is a toss up between who to release-- Jesus or Barabbas. Everyone in the court room during the time was yelling to let Barabbas go. Though he was a true criminal, the people hated Jesus so much they wanted him to take a criminal's punishment. As the story goes, Barabbas is released and Jesus is the one to be crucified later on.

As you and I read this story from an outsider's perspective, we can't help but feel injustice when the people have their way in the court room: "Crucify him!" When you and I read that Barabbas is released, we feel so much sorrow and misery for Jesus. Well, rightfully so. Here's my punchline: YOU WERE BARABBAS. I was Barabbas. On trial for something we deserved. A punishment. Death. And there you were in front of the blaring crowd, knowing what you've done. You were waiting to hear the sentence, though you could already guess what it might be, when suddenly, you were pushed into the mob of people chanting your name. You turn around to see the face of an innocent man, awaiting to be flogged and beaten. And for what? Being the Messiah? Being who he says he is? That's low-- of you, of me.

Yet, in all of this chaos and corruption, Jesus was not surprised. Reading this story last night with Ian, he said something from Jesus' perspective that still rings in my head, and it is the very epitome of the gospel. Ian said (from Jesus' perspective), "You don't understand, but that's okay. I'll take this one."

This is grace. And it is endless and amazing.

Giving Up (in a good way)

I have recently had a revelation: do not worry. Funny, huh? The saying "It says in the bible 365 times 'Do not fear', that's one for each day of the year. Yay life is so easy haha." No. For the past week I have developed a routine in the mornings. I read Psalm 23 (in which I'm in the process of memorizing), Psalm 139, and Luke 12:22-34. These three different passages give completely different perspectives on how and why we should not worry, and how and why we should trust God. I realized that my problem was I never gave the Lord a chance to truly take care of me like he so often promises to. That's how these three texts heal this prideful issue every single morning.

The very first verse in Psalm 23 is, "The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need." Did you read that with purpose within your own life? "The Lord is my shepherd..." as in he will guide you. But that requires you recognizing that you are a sheep: a gentle, prone-to-wander, incapable creation. CREATION. NOT CREATOR. The moment you give up believing and living as if you are the creator, you will realize that the one true Shepherd knows the best way, and, in fact, delights in showing you. No matter how many times you stray away, He will search for you, He will find you, and He will carry you back to His heart. Every single time.

The second part to verse one "I have all that I need." Good, now read it again. "I have all that I need." Now read it like you actually believe it. "I have all that I need." This takes a few times to sink in before understanding that God is truly more than enough for us. When was the last time you were satisfied with the thought "God is all I need"? Convicting, right? How heartbreaking it must be for God to see his children not trust him! How frustrating. How sad. How confusing. How annoying we are to him! Imagine a Father so perfect, so holy, but still his children doubt him. And yet, Psalm 23 ends like this: "Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life..." He is a God who does not meet us halfway, but pursues us wholeheartedly when we least deserve it.

I will not touch too much on Psalm 139, I will let you all read that one for yourself and study it. But I enjoy reading that in the morning because it starts me off knowing how near God is to me. He has more thoughts about me than the grains of sand on the seashore. And no matter how far away I go I cannot escape his Spirit. He searches my heart and tests my anxious thoughts. He never takes a day off with me. He is a God who does not tolerate laziness, which is why he himself is working in me each day to get better.

Luke 12:22-34. If you have never read that before I would definitely encourage you to. The entire passage speaks for itself but I will share with you my favorite part. Verse 27: "Look at the lilies and how they grow. They don't work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you." What a sturdy reminder that is. Look around you. I'm sure there is a creation or two near. For me, right now, it is mountains, hills, the ocean. Meditate on how amazing it is. How perfect it is. How it never messes up and continuously does it's job of glorifying God. And yet, we are the ones he cares about the most. We are the ones he chose to spend eternity with. Undeserving, unworthy, sloppy, imperfect, human. "And we, out of all creation, became his prized possession" (James 1:18).

Give the Lord a chance to take care of you because he so badly wants to.
"I am your Shepherd; you have all that you need."

Struggles and Blessings

For some reason it took leaving the US to suddenly put my inner struggles to words. Everything has been incredible so far, no doubt. But the first day we got here, when I woke up after sleeping thirteen hours, I had my quiet time. I was overwhelmed with lies, hearing the enemy tell me my prayers didn't matter, that they weren't heard. I was also revealed how prideful I am. That day it did not feel like God was on my side. What a blow to the heart, feeling the way I did.

In the few people I have already gotten to know, their faith is nothing but genuine and raw. Being a Christian in Croatia is very rare. I received a short-term missions handbook for Trogir, Croatia, and this is what it said: "In Croatia, like many other former eastern bloc countries, nationalism has stepped up to replace communism, using the state church to give people their identity. The state church of Croatia is the Catholic Church. To be Croatian is to be Catholic, and any other belief poses a threat to nationalism. Protestants are therefore grouped together with cults. Becoming a born again believer often means breaking generations of tradition."

So, like I said, being a true Christ-follower is hard to come by here. And seeing the faith of those I had already met, and then seeing what mine was really made of, really discouraged me. I was in a weird mood all day, doubting if I really believed in THE God, or the American God we hardly ever seem to truly need.

I wrote out my prayer from this morning that I'd like to share because I have finally seemed to pinpoint my mental and spiritual struggles:

I can picture the way I want to follow you, but can't seem to get there. Pride gets in the way. I think I have finally found why I have never enjoyed prayer. It's because I'm too prideful to believe that you can answer them. So in my extreme competence, I go out and try to do it on my own. So much so that I don't even expect to hear from you. What? When I imagine myself praying, it is to you. But when I do pray I get lost in my head and it feels like I'm praying to the self-sufficient God I have turned myself into. I DO NOT WANT THAT. You hear me, Lord. Please help. My heart is crying out for you and your perfect, never ending love. Humble me. Christ is the only thing I want to think about. Your Holy Spirit is the only one I want to rely on. You do not need me, and I do not deserve to be this far. But you chose me, and you made me worthy.

Today was a better day. Still a little bit of a heavy heart, but isn't that why I decided to do this trip in the first place? To get better? To sharpen, strengthen, and reveal my true faith? Though difficult, I am thankful for moments like these. As my amazing mother always says, "God does not waste a hurt," and I believe that wholeheartedly. He is on my side. He just wants to make sure I know who really is in control. Being broken is a hard process to go through, but I'm sure enduring the cross was much harder.

Continue praying for Katie and I, we really appreciate it!

Why should I believe in God?

If we deserve anything, it is death. If we have earned anything, it is the grave. If we belong anywhere, it is a pit of eternal darkness. The scary reality is that some of us will end up this way. But what is even scarier is that some of us choose to.

No matter how good you think you might be, you never had a chance. You were brought into the world with baggage full of sin. No matter how strong you might be, when this life is over you will never make it out alive. Some refuse to accept that because their eyes are glazed over with pride.

Some of us walk this earth with demons holding our hands. Cancer is still incurable. War begs to be started. We live in a world where "different" isn't appreciated, but exterminated. We live in a world where some people believe the best decision they could make is to take their own life. Happiness is on a timer, just like the earth. And if that is the case, why do we keep carving our names into it's soil like we belong to it? Even the mountains will fall and the sky will crumble.

So what is the point if it all ends this way? With a story like this how can we even matter?

I believe in God because he sent a lifeboat to rescue me from the sinking ship called Earth. He sent Christ.

The God of all things, big and small, stooped to my level only to find himself nailed to a cross. And he would do it all again if I was the only person in the entire world.

He sent a King, and this King is different from the others.

My King washes his people's feet, while other kings have their feet washed.
My King sleeps in the streets to reach people, while other kings lock themselves up in their golden palace.
My King preaches forgiveness, while other kings preach vengeance.
My King became the curse for his people, while other kings don't care for their people.
My King was put on the cross so I wouldn't have to be, while other kings are not nearly brave enough.
My King took on all my sin so I could be seen as perfect, while other kings lack this amount of love.
My King sacrificed himself so I could return home to my Heavenly Father, while other kings don't even know what "sacrifice" is.
My King conquered death, while other kings remain in the grave.

This ending sounds way more appealing than the other simply because with Christ, there is no ending. Everybody wants to win in the end and with Christ, you don't have to wait until then because he is already victorious.

My King won the battle but gives me all the credit.

Why wouldn't I believe in him?

The Story Behind the Story

Romans 6:23 "For the wages of sin is death..."
When you think of Easter, you probably don't think of this verse. I never did. We tend to go straight to the one in the gospels that say "He is not here. He is risen!" Which is an awesome verse, I'm not trying to take anything away from it. However, I do think we tend to only go surface level with it. We think Easter and automatically think He is risen, which isn't wrong at all. But there is a side to the story I believe hardly anyone seems to pay attention to: the death side. Yes, Jesus rose, but why? How? Most people think of the simple, easy answer,  "because God is able to make that happen" or "it shows how powerful God is." Which, again, is true. But there is an actual, practical and logical reason that Jesus rose. Back to Romans 6:23 "For the wages of sin is death." In other words, because we are sinful, our consequence is the grave. Well, Jesus was holy, perfect, spotless and blameless. He had NO SIN. So he rose. But how? Get this: because the grave literally had no right to hold him! If the grave is for sinners then Jesus had no business staying there. Death failed to get a grip on him. THAT is why he rose. How awesome is that? It wasn't just another part of God's story that had to take place so he could check it off the list. There is actual meaning to Jesus rising from the dead. We' have gotten into such a habit of making this holiday strictly about belief. Let me shatter your hearts for just a second- there is a huge difference in believing and knowing. Anyone can believe in Jesus, but it takes much more to know him. So, don't just believe in these stories...KNOW them.

I would encourage all of you to focus on the "how" of Easter. It makes the story, and Christ himself, that much more powerful and worthy of our thankfulness towards his sacrifice. "He defeated the grave", a phrase we say all the time. But does that truly fill you with meaning? Or has that unknowingly become just as surface level as "He is risen!"? There is logic and reason in these stories, so don't believe in them just to believe in them. Find out why. It brings so much more purpose, not only to the story, but to your own life as well. Because after all, we were crucified with Christ and it is now him who lives in us. You play a bigger role in this story then you think. Do your research! Happy Easter!