Struggles and Blessings

For some reason it took leaving the US to suddenly put my inner struggles to words. Everything has been incredible so far, no doubt. But the first day we got here, when I woke up after sleeping thirteen hours, I had my quiet time. I was overwhelmed with lies, hearing the enemy tell me my prayers didn't matter, that they weren't heard. I was also revealed how prideful I am. That day it did not feel like God was on my side. What a blow to the heart, feeling the way I did.

In the few people I have already gotten to know, their faith is nothing but genuine and raw. Being a Christian in Croatia is very rare. I received a short-term missions handbook for Trogir, Croatia, and this is what it said: "In Croatia, like many other former eastern bloc countries, nationalism has stepped up to replace communism, using the state church to give people their identity. The state church of Croatia is the Catholic Church. To be Croatian is to be Catholic, and any other belief poses a threat to nationalism. Protestants are therefore grouped together with cults. Becoming a born again believer often means breaking generations of tradition."

So, like I said, being a true Christ-follower is hard to come by here. And seeing the faith of those I had already met, and then seeing what mine was really made of, really discouraged me. I was in a weird mood all day, doubting if I really believed in THE God, or the American God we hardly ever seem to truly need.

I wrote out my prayer from this morning that I'd like to share because I have finally seemed to pinpoint my mental and spiritual struggles:

I can picture the way I want to follow you, but can't seem to get there. Pride gets in the way. I think I have finally found why I have never enjoyed prayer. It's because I'm too prideful to believe that you can answer them. So in my extreme competence, I go out and try to do it on my own. So much so that I don't even expect to hear from you. What? When I imagine myself praying, it is to you. But when I do pray I get lost in my head and it feels like I'm praying to the self-sufficient God I have turned myself into. I DO NOT WANT THAT. You hear me, Lord. Please help. My heart is crying out for you and your perfect, never ending love. Humble me. Christ is the only thing I want to think about. Your Holy Spirit is the only one I want to rely on. You do not need me, and I do not deserve to be this far. But you chose me, and you made me worthy.

Today was a better day. Still a little bit of a heavy heart, but isn't that why I decided to do this trip in the first place? To get better? To sharpen, strengthen, and reveal my true faith? Though difficult, I am thankful for moments like these. As my amazing mother always says, "God does not waste a hurt," and I believe that wholeheartedly. He is on my side. He just wants to make sure I know who really is in control. Being broken is a hard process to go through, but I'm sure enduring the cross was much harder.

Continue praying for Katie and I, we really appreciate it!